OC Bullshittery
by A Stuck At Home Tome
Summary: Once, a long, long time ago, there was a forum. There were people who posted there, crafting their own personas while making completely outrageous statements and crappy roleplays. This forum's culture grew to such an extent, that eventually, something had to give. In this case, it was the border between two worlds. And thus, the adventures of the Moribi, also known as the Persona,
1. A Journey Begins: Chapter 1

**OC Bullsittery and In-Jokes**

* * *

 **Welcome, dear readers.**

 **If I can even get any, that is.**

 **This is the culmination of many people's work. And months of obscure and forum specific memes.**

 **If you wish to get a better grasp of the background of this, I hereby request that you google the Professor Arc Forum. We have a brand new wiki of our personal memes, and a Discord where you can actually meet some of the utterly insane people who helped write this.**

 **Now, side note, the writing style. This is/was/will be a huge game of telephone, and I hereby blame that for any and all dissonance. Next chapter I'll actually start formatting this a bit better. I swear.**

 **Now that the disclaimers are out of the way, I hope you can at least get one good belly chuckle out of this fic. Enjoy.**

* * *

Summary: Once, a long, long time ago, there was a forum. There were people who posted there, crafting their own personas while making completely outrageous statements and crappy roleplays. This forum's culture grew to such an extent, that eventually, reality itself had to break. Something had to give. In this case, it was the border between two worlds. And thus, the adventures of the Moribi, also known as the Persona, began.

* * *

"Dafuq?" Slender asked. He picked up himself off the metal ground, as well as picked up the white crystal he knocked over. He inspected the crystal; it seemed like some type of quartz, but he'd never seen one with such luminescence coming from within. "What the he–"

"Unidentified intruder!" Came from behind him. He jumped, placing the crystal back on its pedestal, and whipped around. There stood...Penny. Penny Polendina, the Atlasian android from RWBY. Atlas...

Slender looked back at the pedestal. _Property of Atlas Military_ read on the side of it.

Oh shit.

"Look, uh, sorry to, uh, wreck house," Slender hastily apologized. "I'm not sure how I got here. Can you point me to the nearest exit? I'll just leave on my own."

"Improbable," Penny replied. "Identification required. Who are you?"

"I'm Slenderbrine, but most people call me Slender," the self-mentioned intruder greeted, with a wave of his skeletal hand.

"Your species is alien to those within my data banks," Penny said. Two green swords appeared from behind her. If Skender peered closely, he could just barely see the near-invisible wires connected to the laser swords.

"Well," Slender continued, "I sexually identify as a magical, Nordic zombie. Also known as a draugr."

"Draugr," Penny repeated. "Species noted for future encou–"

"Hey," Slender said. "I introduced myself. How about you? Manners and whatnot."

Penny blushed; interesting, given her own biology, or therefore lack of. "I am Penny Polendina," she greeted. "I am a human."

"Are you sure?" Slender asked, with a sly grin. "Most humans don't have swords coming out of their backs, nor do they have 'data banks'."

The android flushed again, at getting caught in her lie. "That is classified," Penny announced. "Please allow yourself to be restrained and questioned by Atlas authorities."

"Yeah, about that..." Slender said. He walked around the pedestal, noting that Penny stood at the entrance of the room. Taking it in, the corpse noted that this room was huge, the size of a castle ballroom. "I have a bit of a rebel streak, so I'm going to have to say no..."

Penny's stance shifted, into a more offensive and hostile pose. "Resisting arrest shall be countered with extreme prejudice." More swords began floating from behind her. Slender counted roughly eight.

The Norse Corpse smirked. "Try me."

Ten swords shot out from behind Penny, intending to spear the skeletal intruder. Slender twisted and turned, dodging most and manipulation one to fly through his ribcage. He fell to the floor in a heap, completely avoiding the returning swords, which settled around the impressed android.

Slender got to his feet and wiped the imaginary dust off his tibias. "My turn," he grinned.

The draugr thrust out his hands, lightning arcing towards Penny, who kicked off the ground and over the rogue electricity. Slender gestured his right hand in a slapping motion, and a gale through the robot girl into the wall, causing Penny to crash on the floor. From her position there, without warning, the swords rocketed to Slender. Taken by surprise, the swords made cuts and marks in his bones, sans the last blade, which he caught in his hands. Grabbing the hilt, he yanked the offensive robot over his head, slamming her into the floor, spcausing a comedic Penny-shaped dent in the floor.

"Had enough?" Slender smirked. Penny got up and glared at the offender. She pulled her swords forward, and had the spin in a circular manner. Slender's glowing eyes brightened (as his eye sockets could not grown any wider) and he attempted to peel a piece of metal off the floor. He didn't get very far, before his entire skeleton was blasted by a green laser beam. Slenderbrine slammed into the opposing wall, groaning, eyes dim. When they grew back to their normal brightness, Slender saw Penny smirking.

"Had enough?" Penny parroted. Slender glared back, despite not having facial expression. Then again, he could talk with a larynx. And feel without nerves. And taste witho–

Slender's vision cut off his internal thoughts, noticing what he landed right next to. "Yes I have," Slender said. With another gesture, Penny slammed into the far side of the room, and Slenderbrine has ran out the door, leaving a miniature tornado covering his escape. Slender transformed into a golden lab, manipulating the wind behind him to run faster than he ever could normally. Human and robot guards let out surprised grunts and helps as a dog ran through the doors, eventually ending up outside, in the barren, cold outdoors.

"Now, what is a _dog_ doing in the restricted section of the base?"

Riiiight next to General Ironwood.

The general petted the top of Slender's head, and Slender, though annoyed, played the part of the dog. "Someone's going to get in trouble for th–"

 **BOOM!**

General Ironwood and Slender looked back to the restricted area in sync, where an annoyed Penny stood in the blown-off doorway. Her hair was an absolute mess, courtesy of Slender's tornado, and her body was dented here and there. And _boy oh boy_ did she look annoyed.

"Mrs. Polendina, what is the meaning of–"

Penny cut off Ironwood before he could continue. "General Ironwood, please step away from the dog. It is not what it appears to be."

James Ironwood let out a condescending laugh. "Mrs. Polendina, this is just a dog," he explained, as thaughty talking to a child. "It's not a threat."

"I can be if I want to be," Slender said from the dog's mouth. Before the general could react, Slender transformed back into his normal corpse form, and punched the general directly in the chest, throwing the now-unconscious man several yards backwards. Slender looked at Penny and shrugged. "Like I told you," he said. "Problem with authority."

No words were spared for Slender; Penny assaulted him with laser after laser. Lasers, which, were wasted. Slender sunk into the ground, swimming through the rocks and ground like it was water. Slender appeared on the shoulder, and tapped her on the shoulder. Penny whirled around, but met the end of Slender's finger, which cursed her to remain locked in time for ten minutes. Taking out a red sharpie (from somewhere?) Slender wrote a goodbye message on Penny's forehead:

 **That was fun. Do it again another time?**

 **Love, Slenderbrine**

Cackling, the wizardly corpse sunk into the ground, and left the scene of his crime.

* * *

"Ah, fuck me!" A voice is heard from a clearing, along with the sound of crashing steel. Standing up from a prone position is a red-haired, green-eyed figure in the armor of a Byzantine footsoldier, with sabre, longsword, shield, spear, and bow sheathed to his side. A dark purple cape hangs from his shoulders as he cricks his neck and looks about the forest clearing, only to hear a voice behind him.

"Who are you?" a feminine voice asks, and the soldier twirls around, bow already out, to find a... green-eyed redhead standing there, wearing what looks to be the armor of the ancient Lakedaimonians, modified to fit the female form. Her posture is wary, and her hands itch toward her sheathed weaponry.

"Ah... call me Skoutati," the Roman soldier responds, voice just as wary as the female's posture, "and I get the distinct feeling that I'm not in Kansas anymore."

"Kansas...?" the female wonders briefly, before shaking her head. "Pyrrha Nikos. I'll have to ask you to come with me; the headmaster said that there were reports of suspicious persons here and... well... I'm sorry," she trails off, looking genuinely apologetic.

The soldier instantly shakes his head. "Pyrrha Nikos? Headmaster? Oh hell, Ozpin, Beacon. I know _exactly_ where I am now, and I don't want to be here. Sorry lady, but I'll have to cut and run!" The man, Skoutati, makes to jog out of the clearing and into the forest, but a thrown javelin intercepts his path and forces him to ready himself for battle, nocking an arrow.

"I'm sorry!" the Myrmidon shouts as she summons her javelin and transforms it into a rifle.

The two figures fire their weapons at the same time, the bullet deflecting off a lamellar cuirass and the arrow subtly swerving mid-flight to miss its target.

"Shit, shit, shit," the Tagmata soldiers mutters as he hastily backpedals, loosing another arrow. Before it even has time to miss, he sheathes his bow and takes his kite shield out, protecting his vulnerable face with it - just in time, as another bullet shatters on the painted oak. "Motherfucker, not the face! Not the face! There's a _reason_ I'm wearing this armor, and it's certainly not because I have aura!"

"Sorry!" the Myrmidon cries again, before switching her rifle to sword-form and rushing the Tagmata infantryman. He blocks her first strike on his wooden shield, but his counterattacks with his spear are blocked by her shield, and her sword flashes out and cuts his _kontarion_ longspear in twain. He furiously smashes at her with his kite shield, buying time to unsheath his sabre, and parrying another attack by her broadsword as he desperately falls back, his very armor seeming to deny him progress backward as it pulls at him.

"Your semblance is total bullshit!" he shouts as another swipe of his sabre misses by inches. He takes solace in the fact that his shield at least cannot be manipulated - indeed, it is probably the only reason he hasn't already lost against her onslaught. In desperation, he kicks out at her heel. The fact that it works in stumbling her surprises him - _perhaps that'll teach you to wear high heels in combat,_ he thinks - but he capitalizes on the opportunity by shield bashing her and turning tail, sprinting out of the clearing as she focuses on picking herself up.

He almost falls from the force of a bullet shattering against the back of his cuirass, but forces himself to keep running. He sheathes his sabre, straps his shield to his back, and unsheathes his bow, wildly loosing arrows behind him as bullets continue to shatter against his shield. Even with the stream of shots, and the Myrmidon's semblance slowing him down, he makes up for in speed what he lacks in strength and manages to barely outpace her.

Soon, he comes across another clearing - a dirt road marking the end of the forest he's in - and hears more voices.

"I heard gunfire to the west."

"That's Pyrrha! Let's go help her out!"

And then the Roman soldier is upon the clearing, sheathing his bow once again. There are three more warriors - two men and a woman - as well as a hovering Bullhead. The blond, shielded warrior sees him first, yells out to his comrades, and plants his shield in the ground directly in between the Byzantine's path to the Bullhead. The soldier takes his _spathion_ longsword out and, in a two-handed grip, bowls through the blond in a single blow - he may not be physically strong, but the _spathion_ is a heavy blade, and the blond is inexperienced.

He leaps onto the bullhead as gunfire erupts around him, machinepistol and rifle-fire impacting his armor and shield. He makes it to the cockpit of the aircraft and hurriedly hijacks control of it away from the pilot, yanking the controls with one hand and holding his longsword with the other. "I gotta warn you man," the Byzantine starts, "I have no idea what I'm doing here, so if I'm starting to crash this thing, feel free to take the wheel away from me."

* * *

Pear woke up to a throbbing headache. "Ouch…" he looked around, dazed. "Who dropped a plane on me? Oh fuck, somebody dropped a plane on me!" That much was true. What looked like a rudder was sticking out of the ground next to him, and several engines lay burning in the grass a few feet ahead. Bits and pieces of metal and debris lay twisted and demolished around him, and he didn't want to think about what the damn putrid smell was. "Fuck me." Pear checks his bracers, his chest piece, and his helmet for damage. Thankfully, he escaped with only scrapes and a few mild dents to his forearms.

"Hey!" The voice jolts him from his inspection of his armor! The voice was a bit male, a bit high, and cracked slightly. A young man, no, a boy clad in white and gold armor steps hesitantly through the tree line, a gold and white shield and sword set brandished. Pear rolls his eyes; what could a sharpened piece of metal even do to space armor. It's armor. From space. Even so, Pear knew not to be hasty. At a time like this, only subtlety would be able to gain him the metaphorical high ground in this engagement. "Hey cockbite, why the fuck did these bitches crash a plane upside my head!" He yelled brashly. Yes! Another win for the subtle Pear. "I-I don't know! Why is your armor so tacky and stupid!" The boy shouted back. The Pear went rigid. His uncaring posture melts away, soon replaced with that of a man willing to kill to get what he wants. "What did you just call my armor, you piece of shit?" The boy paled, and Pear noted just how pasty he looks when shocked. "I-I don't know! Look, just calm-" "My armor is GAUCHE!"

The soldier surged forward, wrath overtaking his vision and tinting the world red. The boy miraculously pulled his shield up early, preparing for a fight. 'HA!'the Pear thought. 'He doesn't stand a chance!' And then his hook hit the shield. And then the boy shoved him right off. 'What the fuck!' The boy then slashed his sword across Pear's chest piece, cleaving a deep gouge through it. "What the FUCK!" Pear screamed indignantly. "I punched you. Your arm should be broken!" "The boy glared at him. "You cocky shot, won't even answer me. Get roasted!" The Pear activated his flamethrower, and the flames enshrouded his target. The Pear smirked behind his smirking helmet; he always loved bad puns. The flames fade away quick with the gas cut off, leaving only…a slightly charred, pissed off teenager? "Okay, timeout! You should be dead! I just lit you aflame, and you burned, and now you should be dead! What the fuck, world!" The boy, although looking slightly amused, lunges quickly, his sword moving to thrust at his enemy. Pear ducks sideways, catching the sword off the side of his forearm plate and deflecting it.

Pear then pushes forward, one, two, three punches, all deflected by the large shield. A solid foot presses into Pear's chest, shoving him hard and sending him stumbling back. A quick slash soon follows, barely ducked by the Pear. The soldier grabs the boy by the chest plate, and pulls him hard into his helmet. A satisfactory crack follows the hit, but the boy seems unharmed if dazed. And stumbled back a step before launching back into the game. This ain't good, Pear thinks. He feels his weight resting on his back foot, to occupied ducking and dodging three and a half feet of wickedly sharp steel to even consider a counter. At one point, he even trips on his own feet! Feeling around on the ground behind him desperately, he grips the sharp edge of a broken rebar and swings it widely in a desperate bid for breathing room. The boy ducks back, and prepares to send a blow into the downed mercenary- BLAM! A gunshot goes off, and the boy is sent reeling back from the impact of the small round hitting his shoulder. The Mercenary fires off another three shots, all of which are expertly blocked with the unyielding shield.

"Jaune!" A childlike voice shoots through the wilderness, followed by a sonic boom that makes Pear's ears ache. Three figures emerge from the tree line, all carrying bastardized contraptions that the downed soldier can only call a five-year-old's idea for a perfect gun. Or maybe weapons from an absurd They all set up just behind the knight-like male now known as Jaune. Pear looks around, spotting two automatic pistols, a fat sniper rifle, and a- wait, is that a grenade launcher! "Fuck me."

* * *

"Ow..." Grunt wakes up in a dark warehouse, his body aching as he begins to stands up. He checked himself; a pistol and two knives were holstered on his waist. He looked around the warehouse, which was filled with large containers with a slight light emitting on them. "Where the hell am I?" Grunt pondered as he walked towards one of the containers. He looked at the familiar emblem that was stamped on the large container, looking at it in amazement. "SDC? What the hell? Wait, please don't tell me this is a-" A door opened, and an orange haired gentleman in a white coat accompanied with an ice cream themed little girl. "...Oh shit, oh no!"

"Oi kid," Roman Torchwick lit his cigar while responding to Grunt, "Why are you here?" He blew a puff of smoke from his cigar. Grunt, still shocked from these turn of events, looked at Roman, then Neo, who had her head tilted and glaring at him. 'Think now, or you're gonna die!' "I'm, uh, here to steal this container." Grunt banged the container behind him with his knuckles. "I thought I could get this and sell it for a higher profit?" Grunt answered the thief. Roman looked at Grunt with an eyebrow raised, then sighed. "Well, I don't kill children." Roman continued, "But Neo does. Neo, get him. He could be one of Red's friends." Neo grinned before flourishing her umbrella.

"Oh shit no-!" A kick was received, causing Grunt to fly to the side.

"Ow." Grunt gets up, and sees that the generic armor piece on his chest had a puncture on it. "Alright, lets do this."

Fumbling for the knife on the holster, Grunt raised it just as Neo teleported to him. He slashed at her, which was parried by the umbrella, and he dodged by a hair as Neo punched tried to punch him. Rolling back, Grunt threw one of his knives at the midget. Neo tutted and deflected it, causing the knife to clatter in the darkness. 'Damn, what do I do?' Grunt grabbed his last knife and his pistol, each in hand, watching the girl.

Both looked at each other as Roman was taking inventory of the containers. "..." A sharp sound of glass breaking resounded in the warehouse, signaling Grunt to slash downward in his front with his left arm and shooting behind him with his right. A grunt was heard, and the feeling of warm liquid was felt on his cheek. "Agh!" There was a deep cut, and by instinct Grunt fell to the floor, hearing the sound of a sword slashing as he dropped to the ground. He felt his leg getting grabbed, and he only thought of 'Ah shit' before he was thrown to the floor on his back.

His knife and pistol clattered away from him, and above him were the familiar eyes of Neo. "...MUFFIN BUTTON!" Grunt pressed a button in his pocket, making Neo go wide eyed and flown to the wall. "...Huh, how did you that?" Roman looked up from his scroll to see a Neo in the wall, who was now 5 foot 6. Grunt picked himself up, panting as the exertion of the 'fight' took its toll. "So, how about I leave here while leaving this money for ice cream." Grunt put down bills of ones on the floor as he shuffled slowly towards the door. "Sorry kid, but can't let you leave." Roman started walking towards Grunt, twirling his cane as he did so. Neo woke up and got herself up from the wall. "WAIT WAIT WAIT!" Grunt shook his hands in front of him. "I can help you! We can kill Cinder together without Beacon falling!"

The barrel of the cane was pointed at Grunt, who was shaking in fear. "How do you know that?" Roman asked while pointedly looking at Grunt. Neo was right next to him, slightly ruffled and noticeably taller with the bills of ones in hand. "I, um. I come from another world. See?" Grunt showed him an iPhone. It was taken in a quick manner, and Roman looked at it while still holding the cane. "Huh, well would you look at that?" "Yes! See, I don't want trouble and-" "You know Cinder's plans. Well kid, today's your lucky day!" The cane was lowered and Grunt saw Roman grin. Roman put a hand on Grunt's shoulder, still grinning. "Come on kid. We have _a lot_ to talk about." Grunt was led to the exit, still shaking with his last thought being 'How? WHY?! GOD DAMMIT!'

* * *

"You're shitting me," the pilot eventually said after Skoutati related his tale.

"Wish I was, but I'm no-"

He was interrupted by a single text appearing on his iPhone: ' _Skout, help! Roman has me!_ '

"Fuck! Shit! Buddy of mine got captured by a guy called Roman Torchwick. Set course to Vale! We're going to rescue him!"

* * *

And so the Roman heavy infantryman stepped out of the Bullhead and onto a small open square near a seemingly-abandoned warehouse. The man loosed an arrow at the largest window, shattering it.

Almost immediately, a deluge of gunfire erupted from the warehouse. Skoutati turned his back on the building, letting the shots ping harmlessly off his armor and shield. The Bullhead, however, was not nearly so lucky - gunfire smashed into the engine compartments as it attempted to fly away. The engines erupted into flame, lighting up the night as it went down a bare twenty meters in front of the man in a ball of flame.

What the Byzantine didn't expect was for a figure to come charging out of the flames with a shortspear and tower shield. "That's it, you bastards! First I get hijacked by some crazy and then I get shot down by the crazy bastards the first crazy's trying to kill!?" The enraged pilot, spear held high, planted his tower shield in between the soldier and the gunfire. "Start shooting, crazy. I got your back."

So the Roman footsoldier loosed arrow after arrow, protected from the dwindling return fire by the pilot's tower shield. Expert marksmanship ensured that each arrow loosed hit another enemy mook. After a minute of expert archery, every thug firing from the windows lay either moaning in pain, too scared to pop up, or dead. And then the man himself walked out, casually firing his explosive cane as a loosed arrow, destroying it.

"If you want something done right..." Skoutati heard the man say.

"You've got my buddy," the Byzantine growled, "and I want him back. You're gonna give him to me. I already killed all your guys, and I'm not afraid to do the same to you."

The well-dressed criminal laughed at Skoutati, twirling his cane around. "You got guts, kid, I'll give you that. But guts won't help you out here. Neo!"

A diminutive woman with a pink-and-brown color scheme appeared behind the two unlikely allies, stabbing him in the back - or, trying to. Fortunately for the soldier, heavy, multi-layered armor is useful in all directions. "Guts may not help, but a good suit of armor certainly will," he growled, whirling around and smacking the dwarf away with his bow. "Take the girl, pilot; I've got the well-dressed gangster in guyliner."

With that, the heavy infantryman swapped his composite bow out for a longsword and shield, dodging a few shots from the criminal's cane and taking most of them on his shield. The explosions hurt, but pain was temporary and superficial, and he made sure to block his face from getting hit with shrapnel or fire. Skoutati drove forward into a thrust with his longsword, only to have it expertly parried by the criminal; but the man's riposte was itself blocked by a heavy wooden shield, and Skoutati counterattacked with an overhand chop. This was dodged by Torchwick, only to take a shield to the face for his efforts - but then, criminals rarely fight fair, and the man kicked some loose gravel up into the soldier's face.

Both men fell back a step to recover; Skoutati risked a glance behind him only to find that Neo's attacks were being parried by a heater shield, or a bracer, or a spearhead. He turned his attention back to Roman Torchwick and charged again, his shield and sword lashing out at the same time - one high, one low. The criminal dodged the shield and parried the sword, and his counterattack smashed the Byzantine in the face, dropping him to the ground. Skoutati was not unprepared, however; while falling, he swept his leg beneath Torchwick's own, bringing them both down. The Byzantine infantryman took the opportunity to slash at Torchwick from the ground, and then smashed his shield into the man's face, even as Melodic Cudgel discharged directly into his gut.

Skoutati felt little but pain, even as he continued shield-bashing Torchwick, but the armor was - thankfully - merely blackened, not destroyed. He finally rolled off of Torchwick, painfully climbing to his feet, to see the criminal a barely-coherent mess on the ground. He glanced another look at the dwarf and the pilot, to see the ice-cream dwarf's thin blade skitter across a bracer as the pilot whirled about. He clutched his sword and turned away from the square and entered the warehouse, proceeding to a stairwell even as he heard faint sirens in the distance.

Skoutati found Grunt shackled to a wall within the warehouse basement. One of the guards rushed him and was impaled on his longsword; the other ran. He fished a key out of the corpse and unshackled the prisoner. "Don't worry Grunt," he said, "I smashed through this whole warehouse; let's get out of here."

At that moment, a voice from a megaphone was heard. "This is the Vale Police Department! Lay down your arms or we will take them by force! We have Hunter backup and anti-aura rounds! This is your only warning!"

Skoutati and Grunt glanced at each other. "Well, shit."

* * *

Grunt rubbed his wrists while wincing as he glanced at Skoutati. "I may or may not have told the whole plot of Volume 3 to Roman." "We have you surrounded. Get outside and show yourselves." "Doesn't he know he'll die?" Skoutati asked in wonder.

"He said he'll change that. But for now, I may have an idea. See, I have this thing called slash kill," Grunt reaches into his pocket to show a small device with a red button to Skoutati, "and it can kill anything. Problem is that it'll only work once." "Then why not use it?!" Skoutati grabbed the button and proceeded to open the door to the warehouse.

"Wait no!" "Taste death!" Skoutati pressed the button and threw it into the crowd of the Valean police. An explosion of epic proportions took place, leaving nothing but a scorched dock in the wake of the button. Grunt looked near catatonic, as his one weapon to kill that dragon Grimm was gone.

"T-that was for Kevin..." Skoutati looked sheepish. "Whoops, Got caught in the moment." Grunt fell spread eagled onto the ground. "How the hell are we going to survive? Wait, how are we here?!" "I fought Pyrrah, if thats any good." "What?" "Yup. I lost though." Skoutati frowned when he thought back to the fight. "Well Skoutati, this may anger you, but we're going to have to pull a bad fanfic here." "I do not like where this is going." Grunt inhaled before saying,

"We're going to Beacon."

* * *

The soldier turns to his friend, glaring faintly. "I just had an epic swordfight with Pyrrha Fucking Nikos because I didn't want to end up in Beacon. Now we're going there anyway?" The infantryman shakes his head in disgust. "Whatever. What's done is done, and I do suppose it's... partially... my fault. I don't trust the man though."

"That's fine, but he's our best bet of-"

"I never said he wasn't, but I still don't trust him." Whatever conversation the two friends would've had was cut off by the arrival of the grim-faced pilot, still alive after everything.

"You killed them all," he said. Grunt looked alarmed and Skoutati glared at him.

"N-no we didn't," Grunt stammered out.

"Yeah," the Byzantine continued, "if we had the ability to do that, we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place! We're fighting Roman Torchwick and his goons, not the VPD."

"Oh really?" the pilot accused. "And I suppose... what, some random thug just had a massive grenade on him this whole time and never used it!?"

Grunt looked close to panicking, but Skoutati merely glared some more. "Probably. I mean, if Grunt here had a kill device, he wouldn't have gotten captured in the first place; and if I had the thing, I wouldn't have wasted my time fighting Torchwick when I could've just leveled the warehouse. Now come on, we need to get to Beacon." Skoutati marched out of the burning square, followed by Grunt and a still-seething Bullhead pilot-slash-Huntsman.

* * *

"I told you we should've made a left at that intersection; we got set back three hours from that!"

"Well, it's not like I had a map; what did you expect me to do?"

"Ask for directions."

It was with much bickering that the unlikely trio found themselves at Beacon, the shining light of Vale. They marched in silence to the elevator at the base of the Wizard's tower. Grunt closed the doors, but was interrupted before he could send the elevator on its course upward.

"Wait a minute, Grunt," Skoutati stopped him. "I'll go alone, just in case they try something."

Grunt looked alarmed again. "Alone? And what are we supposed to do?"

The Roman soldier merely sighed at this. "Hey, pilot-"

"My name is Alexander! Alexander Argyros."

"Alexander, then. Do you want to learn one of Remnant's best-kept secrets? Why there's so much security at this festival? Why we had to dodge through five Atlesian checkpoints to get here?"

"You don't mean to..." Grunt trailed off, interrupted by the pilot.

"By the gods... I'm already too deep into this, aren't I." The golden-eyed pilot shook his head, glaring at the two outlanders. "You drop out of the sky, fight Roman Torchwick to a standstill despite having no aura - don't think I didn't see that! - and now you claim to know of... of what, some grand conspiracy!?" The pilot growled lowly in his throat. "Fine. You have my curiosity. But first..."

He put a hand on both their left shoulders, and a purple light emanated from his body. " _And thus it is through adversity that we soar ever higher, overcoming hardship and conquering all in our path. Undefeated and undaunted; by the legacy of our ancestors, I release thy soul; and by my shield-arm, defend thee._ "

The pilot staggers back a step, leaning against the elevator wall. "I may let myself get drawn into whatever it is you're doing, but I'll be damned if I let you walk into it unprepared."

The Byzantine faintly marveled at the burgundy light emanating from him before turning to the elevator and pressing two buttons. "Right then. Grunt, go down to the secret vault with Alexander here. We're going to need all the allies on our side that we can get, I think. I'll head up. If I don't text you within ten minutes, assume everything's gone to shit and bail." He sighed faintly. "I just don't get why there's a button openly labelled 'Super secret vault do not enter.' It makes no sense."

* * *

The elevator door in Professor Ozpin's office opened. A man wearing lamellar armor over a chain hauberk, carrying two swords; a bow; and a shield stepped out. "Ozpin," the armored figure started. "A new player has entered the game, so to speak. I fought your student, Pyrrha Nikos, in the forest because I didn't want to come here, because I don't trust you; but necessity makes for strange bedfellows. I'll say it right out: I have no idea if my presence here will actually change anything, but your failure was guaranteed before my arrival, and what can men do but try?" The figure shrugged lightly before beginning to pace, holding a hand up to forestall Ozpin's questions.

"I don't know why, or how, I'm here. On Remnant. In Vale. At Beacon. But I have information you want. Information you need." The man stops pacing and stares at Ozpin, bitter countenance burning into the Wizard. "But trust is a two-way street. If I'm going to give you information, offer my services as a soldier, or a guardian... then I want you to give us some things in return."

* * *

The elevator dinged, and exiting to the secret vault was Grunt and Alexander. "Where the hell are we?" Alexander was amazed that this place was under the school the whole time. "This is a secret vault, and hidden deep within is a magical girl in a pod." Grunt explained as both walked closer to the machinery at the end of the room. "You're joking."

"Unfortunately, no, I'm not." Grunt was still afraid of Alexander, even if he did open his aura for him and Skoutati. Speaking of which, Grunt expected a feeling of power for aura users, but it was akin to having a really good shower and feeling great. 'Damn it RT. I expected more because of you.' Both aura users reached to the machinery, marveling at the technology. "So, this thing here is the cause of all this security?" Alexander was annoyed, he expected a weapon, or maybe even a super secret Grimm monster on Humanity's side. Hell, with the explanation of magical girl he thought there'd be a witch.

"I risked myself because you want to check out some woman locked in an old man's basement?" Grunt coughed, trying to hide his laughter. He analyzed the pod where Amber laid, looking around for one thing that he was always curious about. "...huh, there's no coffee machine. Damn, this isn't the PA universe." Grunt had hoped it was the car, but this confirmed that both he and Skoutati were in canon. "PA? What? You know what, fuck it, I don't care. Why are we here?" Alexander was getting highly annoyed at these turn of events. And coffee machine? There was a girl in a pod and this kid was worried about caffeine? Grunt looked away from the pod to scan the computer.

"Well, I am trying to set this machine to automatically give the Maiden's powers to whoever gets in that other pod." "Not going to ask about that. But why is that so important?" Grunt's eye twitched as he put in a random name into the terminal that asked for a password. 'Of course it's Salem. Why the hell not?' Grunt clicked a few things into the screen and tapped away on the keyboard. Amber opened her eyes to see two strangers near her, but was too lethargic to feel anything. "who...you...?"

Alexander took notice and walked back to Amber. "Don't worry there, we're here to help. Grunt, we done yet?" "Yup." Grunt logged out of the terminal and walked up to Alexander. He looked at the Maiden before explaining himself. "We are here on a mission to save Beacon. See, a red haired girl is gonna need the rest of your powers to defeat Cinder, so I did a couple things on that computer so there wouldn't be interruptions." Amber looked at the unassuming grunt before debating whether his claims were true. She sighed, or what was the equivalent, and made a decision. "kill...me...save...Remnant..." Both Grunt and Alexander paused. They did not expect this, at all. "Uh, you want to give your powers to someone else via suicide?" A small nod was given. "picture..." Grunt blushed before grabbing out his iPhone, but not before telling Alexander to go turn off the life support in the terminal.

"Password is Salem." Alexander grunted in confirmation, ready for the call. "Okay, this is a bit awkward, but here's what Phyrra looks like. Please don't judge." Amber looked at the 'research bio' of Phyrra, engraving the face in her mind. However, she had one last day in all this. "...really...? porn as...identification...?"

"In my defense, this is the only picture I have of Phyrra, and I blame the research thread." Amber sighed before nodding in confirmation. She was ready. "Alright Alexander, unplug it." A tap was heard, and Amber looked to go back to sleep, the pod hissing as air traveled out of it. An orange aura gleamed out of Amber, stood still in the air for a few seconds, then traveled upwards. Both guys stared where the orange aura was, before conversing their next plan. "Well, that was step one." "What's step two?" "I have no idea. I do know that I probably broke canon." "...that's bad, right?"

* * *

Traveling by rock was normally easy for Slender. Traveling by rock underwater? Well... yeah, no. Slender poked his head up through the ground, and looked around. Water, coral, water, fish, water, turtles, and...water! Yeah, it all looked the same. Slender left the ground and kicked upwards. He was a skeleton, so no air was necessary for him.

Reaching the top of the water, he created an inverted maelstrom beneath his corpse to see in every direction. The Norse Corpse sighed, silently wishing for a sign.

 **BOOM!**

What was it with him and explosions? Off in the distance, and a bit to the right, there was an enormous explosion. Given that he was somewhere pre-late-Volume 2, no explosions should've happened yet. So, there were two possibilities:

1\. Slender had accidentally started a chain of events that caused it. Unlikely, as opposed to...

2: It was another Forum Persona. We were all a _lively_ bunch, weren't we?

 _'The explosion fills you with Determination,'_ Slender thought, and set out on his own personal mini-tsunami towards the devastation.

* * *

Right as Ozpin opened his mouth to respond to Skoukati, there was a bright flash of light behind his chair. From a distance, a cry of "GREATER TELEPORT!" could be heard.

There was a figure standing there. He seemed to think he was striking a dramatic pose. Really, it just made him look like a constipated drama queen.

He cleared his throat once before speaking. "Hello there. I seem to be a dimensionally displaced teenager, with powers beyond even my own comprehension, seemingly mystical in nature."

Suddenly, he seemed taken aback. "Wait a minute, Legion? Is that you? It's me, Cap! That pretentious teenager from the forum!"

"Wait..." He turned towards Ozpin again. "Please tell me that you don't have one Jaune Arc as a teacher?"

* * *

Skoutati Legion stared in shock as the explosion from below heralded a new arrival. He quickly pulled out his iPhone and dialed Grunt's number while Ozpin was still staring at the mystic.

"Hey, Grunt, I dunno what you did down there, but it teleported the good Hauptmann* here, so good work!" With that, he hung up and slipped the phone back into his pouch. "It's good to see you here, Hauptmann; I thought me and Grunt were the only two people who got sucked here. Welp, long story short, we're trying to save canon!" Skoutati grinned at the Capitain.

* * *

"Not the best work then, really," a voice said out of nowhere. A black corpse with decay flesh and tissue emerged out of the floor as if it was water. No one was surprised, sans Ozpin (but they were paying less and less attention to that wizard), and Slender pouted. Well, he _would've_ pouted, but he didn't have lips. So he didn't.

"What do you mean?" Legion asked. He kept asking Slender to call him 'S-cow-tatty' or something, but Legion was so much easier for Slender. He was a lazy little troll.

"Amber did a sacrificial jihad," the Norse Corpse explained, "and had the grunt and other guy down there pull her plug. So, now Pyrrha has the Maiden powers. Canon is long gone."

"How do you know?" S-cow-tatty asked.

"I used my ability to swim through the earth to climb the tower," Slenderbrine explained. "Metal is just refined ore, which comes from the earth. Anyways, I passed by the old man's secret sex dungeon on the way up. She's d-e-d dead."

"Wait, Grunt pulled the plug?" Mr. Wand-Up-My-Arse asked, "Or did you?"

Slender rolled his orbs. "Good to see you too, Lazarus," the draugr drawled. No lost love between them. He even apologized for the TardiGod, for Thor's sake!

"Amber? How do you people kn-" Ozpin's quiet interruption into the conversation was interrupted.

"What and where in the timeline are we? PA is impossible, given I saw Jaune with Pyrrha earlier," Legion said, "Which also rules out NTTF, From Beyond, and Justin John, and some others."

Slender shrugged. "Somewhere pre-Docks. I came from Atlas after fighting Penny."

"Penny?" Lazar asked.

Slender nodded, "Yep. I'm pretty sure she'll kill me on sight from now on, anyways."

"You were an ass again," Lazar accused, "weren't you?"

Slender shrugged. No comment needed. The forum wizard sighed.

"We must also be some time past Initiation," the Byzantine soldier contributed. "Team JNPR is already a team."

"That... actually narrows it down a lot," Slender said. "Anything else to be aware of?"

"Two things," Legion said, "first of all, the-" he cast a side glance to the wizard, who was confused, but still paying very close attention "-the _Italian Candle_ knows the entire plot of Volume 3."

"What!?" two truly magical beings in the room exclaimed, at the same time. "How?!" Lazar demanded, a second ahead of his frenemy.

"Grunt tried to worm his way out with the Candle and Ice Cream, but ended up digging his own hole," the armor-clad Persona said.

"OK," Slender said, processing this. "And the other thing?"

"This is information I have only recently thought about, but we have no idea whether other Moribi have appeared yet, if at all," Legion explained his thoughts.

"'Moribi'?" the undead creature parroted.

"The plural form of _moribus_ ," the soldier translated. "It means 'character' in German."

"Moribus," Slender tried. "Better than Forum Personas, I suppo-"

Slenderbrine and Cpt. Lazar stood at attention was a wave of powerful, ready-to-be-used magic rolled through the astral plane, accompanied by a wave of green light on the visible plane. The three Moribi turned to Ozpin, who was clenching his cane and glaring at the dimension hoppers. "Excuse my impoliteness," Ozpin said, in a voice that screamed he did not care whether he was excused or not, "but could you _please_ inform me how you came to know the information you do?"

Stalling time was over. It was time to face the music.

* * *

 _Meanwhile in Ozpin's_ _sex dungeon_ _basement_

A bright light of light filled the room, followed by the sound of an object hitting the floor, and breath being knocked out of a set of lungs. The newcomer groaned, pushing themselves off the floor. As they stood up, the mystery person scanned their surroundings as they clutched an unusual-looking remote in their hand.

"Where the hell am I?" the figure, now confirmed to be male, asked the empty room, his voice echoing across the walls.

* * *

Slender blinked (well, not really. He doesn't have eyelids, so his orbs just vanish and reappear again).

"That's Moar," he said. "The rule of the FNDM requires 4 per team."

"Then there are three more companions that we do not know the locations of," Legion said, finishing Slender's train of thought.

"Or they may pop into existence randomly at different times," Lazar tacked on. "Like Moar, here."

* * *

Meanwhile, with the killers of the Fall Maiden- Grunt and Alexander walked across the halls of Beacon after assisting the previous Fall Maiden into suicide. Grunt's plan was to get to Ozpin's office, but an obstacle stood in the way of the reunion between fellow forum goers.

"...so when you do multiple weapons at once, combine them with strings so you can launch them."

"God dammit kid." Alexander groaned out. "W-what?" Velvet stuttered out a reply to Grunt, who was smiling in excitement. "Here, let me connect with your scroll." A message sent by cable later and Velvet was looking at a really good animated cartoon of a fight scene.

"That guy, he has my semblance!" "He has an equivalent, but you can, copy, his style." Grunt couldn't contain his mirth as he began instructing Velvet on how to 'properly' use her semblance.

"Kid, come on, I thought we were meeting with that friend of yours." Alexander didn't know why this kid was so adamant about talking with the rabbit Faunus, but he supposed it was kind of amusing to see her reaction.

"That's so cool!" Velvet had stars in her eyes as the red haired teen fought off a golden King. "Now, I sent the show to you, so you can learn from that. Make sure to say 'trace on' when you use your semblance. Makes you more badass."

"Really? You think I can be badass?" "Hell yeah! You have an awesome power, and should use it to win against you enemies." Grunt replied back with exuberance. Grunt's phone rang, and as he looked at the called ID he knew he was a bit behind schedule.

"Okay, got to go! Alexander, come on! See ya later Velvet!" Grunt yelled out as he ran to the elevators that would lead to the Headmaster's office.

"In this moment, you're the winner, Faker..." Velvet couldn't believe it. Someone besides her team thought she was badass, someone cool. She looked at her scroll, and resolved herself to follow the advice of... She never got his name, but how did he know hers?

* * *

While the tension in the room between Beacons head master and the unannounced visitors the elevator dinged, announcing the addition of one more member to the party.

A young Woman in her mid 20's stepped in wearing a chef's uniform and a grey scarf around her neck, holding a tray with a coffee pot on it. She was tall with a tanned complexion, grey hair in a short cut and a bang covering one eye. Though her most eye catching feature was, strangely enough, her eye color, which was completely black.

"Professor Oz, I brought you your evening coff-" The young woman who entered the office paused mid sentence to observe the scene in front of her. Dropping the tray in her hands she pulled out a revolver and emptied it into the Norse corpse, knowing full well that it wouldn't do any harm.

"God dammit, guys it took you long enough to get here! I've been stuck here in Beacon since the black trailer. BLACK TRAILER! I had to fight off the fucking energy drink, and help kitty get to school." She took a quick glance at Ozpin and his calmly furious expression. "Please tell me one of you Arcane users can get us out of here so I can be normal again. And Lazar, one sexy sniper comment and I'll shoot you next."

Cap raised his hand in the air, as if to reply.

He got a gun to the face for his trouble.

His hand went down.


	2. Time for a Fight: Chapter 2

**Welcome, I'll just take a moment to say fuck FanFiction's formatting problems, and start us off.**

 **This is the turning point, where we actually have some semblance of coordination by the end of all this mess. This chapter will end in the exact way that the opening describes. The quality, and your thoughts? Up to you. If you see something awful, please let us know. We should be able to improve after another chapter or so, depending on the quality of advice given.**

 **With that, welcome back to the mad house.**

* * *

"Huh?" Piloco looked around the all white room he had appeared in. Steel floors, nearly unmarked walls, and nothing on the ceiling except two lines of line illuminating the room. ' _Oh crap, mysteriously transported to what might be another world? Please don't be a cliche light novel... or Re:Zero. I'm not sure which would be worse.'_

"Salutations!"

He turned around and found an orange haired girl he immediately recognized as Penny Polendina. _'Other world confirmed'_

"Hello."

"Please identify yourself," the Penny chirped. He blinked and said the first thing that came to mind.

"It's rude to ask for someone's name without introducing yourself."

"Oh, I am sorry, my name is Penny Polendina," Penny, adorable little murder machine that she was, looked genuinely apologetic at the faux-pas before returning to a bright smile. "Please identify yourself."

"Just call me Piloco."

"Very well then Piloco. Come with me, please," she turned and started walking down the hallway. He debated just letting her go but, unfortunately, he was a marshmallow and called out to her.

"Penny, you usually tell someone why they have to follow you," then, not really thinking he added on "Unless it's a secret."

"I do not know if it is a secret or not. The General did not say," she said while pressing a finger to her lip and looking up in thought. He wondered if she learned the pose from watching television. Then he wondered if they let her watch television at all.

"Did he say it was a secret?"

"No."

"Then it's probably okay to tell me."

"Sensational! Then, as an unauthorized presence lacking the clearance level to enter this building I am to bring you to a detainment cell to await questioning as to how and why you are here and likely how you infiltrated this building."

He blinked. "So, you're arresting me."

"That is correct."

"Huh, don't really want to get arrested..." she tilted her head and her slightly too wide smile disappeared.

"Are you going to be uncooperative?" she asked with not a hint of accusation just pure curiosity.

"Thinking' about it"

"In that case, I would highly recommend that you come along willingly as your aura is locked and I am combat ready!"

"I'm sure you are..." Damn, but Steelpecker'll probably think I'm lying if I tell the truth and knowing him might even try torturing information out of me. Don't exactly have a choice though, I'm in decent shape and I know how to throw a punch but there's no way in hell I can beat-

He froze as information he _did not know_ was suddenly in his head as if it had always been there. _'Well, that's not ominous. Also gives credence to the cliche light novel idea but considering this world was made by Monty Oum it's drawback is a pretty serious one. Well, should at least keep me out of a prison cell_.'

"Sorry, Penny but I'm going to have to decline. I need to find a way home and, knowing Remnant, the only person who might know is probably in Vale sipping coffee in his penis-chair."

"Oh, I am sorry to hear that," multiple blades deployed from her back and strings I couldn't see held them in formation resembling wings behind her. "Then I will have to use force."

She rushed forward and threw a punch aimed at his face. Considering how her fighting style revolved entirely around her swords she was definitely holding back and probably just trying to knock him out but nevertheless he held up a loose hand and an overly intricate circle appeared in front of her fist and stopped her cold when she got close to him. She flipped back, spun and aimed a kick at his head only for it to meet another symbol and be rendered ineffective. She jumped back and the blades circled around her. He wondered at how stings could possibly move like that.

"Odd, I thought your aura was locked," she said.

"It is. This is my semblance," he explained while lowering his arm.

"I did not know you could have a semblance without unlocking your aura."

"Neither did I but here we are," he shrugged.

"Yes, we are here. We have not suddenly changed locations."

"Uh, that's an expression Penny. Or maybe it's a saying? Either or; it's something people say when they aren't sure how they reached a conclusion or situation but they've still reached it. It usually carries the connotation that you should focus on what's happening instead of how it happened, at least for the moment."

"Oh," she said and he swears he sees her eyes flash for a second as she memorizes this little tidbit. He wonders if this is what having a little sister is like. Minus the fighting.

Penny sends five swords at him from five different directions and all are stopped by identical symbols, though these are smaller and only focused on the tip of the swords. Well, minus the serious fighting.

"Penny," he calls out.

She pulls back the five blades and shifts them into their gun form and fires dozens of energy blasts at him. A tiny symbol appears in the path of each shot and not a one gets through.

"Penny," he tries again.

She reels the sword back to her and forms all of them into a ring around her. She leaps forward and begins twisting and twirling around, the blades following her and racking across a barrier each time they come near him.

"Penny!"

She kicks off of him, lands in a crouch and shifts the swords into gun form and the start form a cylinder in front of her and begin twirling. An ominous green ball of light forms in the center. Even though he knows it won't hit he admits to feeling pretty terrified when she punches it and a massive laser beam fires towards him.

A huge symbols that shields his entire body disappears a seconds after the beam ends.

"PENNY!"

"Huh?" She looks up and realizes he's been calling her for the past few minutes. "I'm sorry, I was distracted trying to neutralize you."

"I noticed," he said as dry as the desert. He ran a hand down his face. "Look, it doesn't matter what you throw at me it's not going to get through. You see those little symbols that keep appearing?" She nods "They're my semblance. I won't go into specifics, both because it would feel like bragging which isn't my thing and because I'm not stupid enough to explain my abilities to my opponent, but I call them Bystanders" _'or I do now anyway'_ "and unless certain conditions are met they'll protect me from any and all harm. So, can we not fight, please?" She actually seemed to mull over it for a second before shaking her head.

"My orders are clear. I must bring you to detainment," she stated. She looked at him and he huffed. Brows narrowed, mouth set in a line, and eyes that looked like metaphorical steel. He wondered if she learned that expression watching television too. It was a good look.

"Alright. Then how about this? You get one more attack, if it manages to get through my Bystanders I'll go with you but if it doesn't you let me go and say I evaded capture. How about it, buddy?"

"Buddy?"

"It's a kind of friend," he explained and immediately felt like scum when her eyes lit up. He was taking advantage of her, of that there was no question, but if it meant getting out of here and making his way to Ozpin and hopefully home then he was willing to do this. Besides the game was rigged there was no way she'd meet the requirements to get past his semblance.

"We're friends?" she asked in an whisper packed with enough emotion that he wondered how she could possibly think she was anything less than human. He ignored the squirming in his gut and answered.

"Yep, we're buddies. Now come at me." He brought both arms and waved her forward.

"Yes, buddy!" She exclaimed and brought all her swords together together into a rotating cylinder. _'Another laser?'_

She extended her right arm and they wrapped around it and started glowing her signature green. She lowered her self into a stance that vaguely resembled a sprinter at the starting line with the now drill like arm held behind her. She held this pose for a few seconds and for ever one of them the green glow got brighter until he could barely even look at her without wincing. Part of him wondered if the Bystanders could be used as makeshift sunglasses.

Just before the light became unbearable it suddenly stopped and his eyes widened when he saw here arm. _'Well, he did say that was his favorite anime...'_

Gone was Penny's right arm and in it's place was a glowing green drill.

"I apologies for the wait, but despite being my most powerful technique there are still noticeable bugs with it and it has not been cleared for field testing," _'What are we in Dragon Ball?'_ He grinned.

"Not a problem, little buddy. Sometimes you have to throw caution to the wind and go all out; consequences be damned. I'm counting on you to give it your all." _What the hell am I saying.'_

Penny's eyes flashed again before her whole body wound up like a spring and she launched herself through the air faster than he could see.

On instinct he crossed both arms in front of him and a massive Bystander appeared in front of him. Her drill hit the barrier and...

...it held. He smirked.

"My win, bu-"

"No."

"Huh?"

"I'm not done yet!" she yelled before a jet of green energy shot out of the back of the drill. Several more soon followed until her whole arm was covered up by the beams and she started pushing forward. Her arm was a rocket drill. If it weren't aimed at him he's pretty sure his inner 8 year old would be having a conniption of pure joy. "My buddy is counting on me to give it my all!"

 _'That came back to bite me in the ass pretty damn quick! This is what I get for trying to sound cool.'_

"Here it is! My all out attack! Giga!"

 _'What.'_

"Drill!"

 _'The.'_

"PIERCER!"

 _'Fuck._

Both their eyes widened when we heard a crack but only Penny was brave enough to look down. Then, as is inevitable when anything invoked that show in any way shape or form, they exploded.

It took a while for the dust to settle but when it did, in typical anime fashion, only one of them was left standing. Piloco stood completely unharmed staring off into space.

 _'At least they changed the last part of the name_." He through dully.

He looked around for Penny and found her slumped against a wall and clutching...

...the stump where her arm used to be.

 _'Shit.'_

"Penny!" he rushed over to kneel next to her and only then realized there wasn't really anything he could do. "Are you okay?" He immediately felt like punching himself.

"Yes-zz" she answered before one of her eyes flickered and her head twitched. Her stared in horror. "I ma-may require some maintenance."

"No shit," he answers before looking around for her arm. He spots it and rushes over to retrieve it.

"Oh thank-k you for retriev-v-v-ving my arm," her eyes widened then before hastily adding on, "that is a pros-ros-ro-sthetic-c becau-causzze I am-"

"Penny, I know what you are."

"Oh," her head jerkily turned down. "You do?"

She sounded like a kicked puppy. Was she really that scared he'd abandon her just because she wasn't human? Unfortunately he's not a protagonist like Ruby so he can't just instinctively know what to say to befriend someone. Speaking of whom, had Penny even met Ruby yet? What point in RWBY was he? Had he accidentally become this little girls first friend? And he was wholeheartedly planning on never seeing her again after this too. Man, did he feel like an asshole.

But he didn't matter right now. Penny probably couldn't cry but she looked like she was gonna try her damnedest to anyway and there was no way he was going to let someone as sweet as her cry.

"Yeah, I do." He knelt down next to her and laid the arm down. She continued looking at the ground. "But more importantly I know who you are. You're Penny Polendina. Whether you're made of meat and bone or metal and copper, a person's still a person. And don't let me ever hear you say otherwise, okay?"

She looked up from the ground and blinked. He did my best to ignore how one eye only closed partway.

"You really believe I'm real?"

"Yes," he said and flicked her nose. Maybe not the most heartwarming response but the only other thing he could think of was _'_ Bitch, what'd I just say? _'_ so...

She smiled and he did too.

Unfortunately this couldn't last forever and he soon stood up.

"Alright, I need to go now Penny. There's a coffee addicted man in a penis chair I need to see and it can't wait but remember this: no matter how far the distance between them or how long they're apart, buddies will always be buddies. Okay?" He held out a fist.

She stared at it.

"You, uh, you punch it. It's a fist bump; it's a sign of friendship."

"Senzzzsational!" she yelled before rearing a fist back.

"No, Penny not that hard-"

Her fist collided with him and he collided with the wall. His unconscious body fell to the ground.

"...buddy?"

* * *

 _After Penny gives her report of the engagement and leaves to receive repairs_

Ironwood stared through the glass into the hospital room of the barely alive man who had several broken ribs, a collapsed lung, and; while he would make a complete recovery, was currently only being kept alive with life support.

"Now, just what did you want with Ozpin?"

* * *

There was a great flash of white and as it faded away, a man going through a quarter life crisis was seen sitting down on a desk. With red pen in one hand and the other pinching the bridge of his nose, he cried out in pain. "IT'S ENGLISH DAMN IT, NOT ENGLANDESE FOR FUCK SAKES!"Unbeknownst to him he had just teleported into a meeting between Adam Taurus and his White Fang minions.

"THIS IS THE FIFTIETH TIME GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!" With the sound of a sword unsheathing, Adam pointed his blade directly at the man in semi-formal suit.

"Who are you human and how did you infiltrate our hideout?" Slowly the man turned his head to the masked fellow, eyes full of anger with an underlying hint of despair and resignation. His eyes then moved to the sword pointed at him.

"You know what, I'm done, I'm fucking done."

"Wha - "

In one quick motion that caused the papers on his desk to fly into the air, the man quickly disarmed and took hold of the edgelord's Katana. With one swift motion, the man fell down on his knees, reversed his grip on the sword, stabbed himself in the stomach, and gutted himself before falling over in a pull of blood. Eyes soon glazed over, his last sight being a student's test paper. It had a nearly perfect score, but as it slowly fell to the ground, the word "Englandese" could be seen scribbled out in red...

Well... that was the last thing his body saw. Soon after his corpse hit the floor he found himself standing over his body, trying to process what exactly had happened. He looked at himself, noticing his ethereal like body, the cadaver before him, and wept.

"Goddamn it," he sighed, "I thought only the dead knew peace... Guess I was wrong - " A bullet shot through his ghostly form leaving only streak marks behind. Shaking his head while mumbling a curse, he turned to look at the masked idiot who's shotgun sheath was still smoking.

"What's going on, why are there two of you now, is this your semblance?" The horned man snarled.

"First, I don't know; second; I don't know; third, I don't know; and fourth I don't give a fuck." Another shot rang out, passing through nothing yet again. Keep calm, just keep calm. "Please, just... stop. All I wanted was everlasting peace in the afterlife. I never asked for this." Adam's head lowered.

Not even a breath could be heard as the Faunus and the ghost stared each other down. With a low hum, Adam lowered his impractical weapon…

And shot the corpse's head off.

"Okay, fuck it. That's it!" In a blink of an eye the ghost teleported right next to Adam and whispered in his ear. "Haaaave you met Kyle?" And phased his hand into the victim's head. In that moment scenes flashed before Adam's mind. Images of a person in an overly saturated coat invaded his eyes, possibly blinding him. Falling to his knees he begged for it to stop, scenes of poorly written dialogue filled his ears as he witnessed Blake getting wooed by some other prick in a brown overcoat. It wasn't until he saw the demon Kyle somehow kill him in one poorly rendered picture did he finally break. And in a fit of rage he lashed out at nothing and everything before him.

"Sir control yourself!" One brave White Fang member attempted to subdue the raging bull only for his skull to be crushed by the impact of the flailing sheath. Many more soon joined in to stop him, many finding the same fate as the first.

The spirit took one last look at his headless body before sign in resignation. "All I wanted was eternal slumber. Ozpin knows about magic and shit, maybe he can help." With that, he left the camp that was filled with the screams of a maddened man and whose men were foolish enough to try and stop him.

Thus began Racco's journey to move on to the afterlife and find everlasting peace.

* * *

"OW!"

The world suddenly spun one day, and when Tobby's dizziness went away, he found himself with a partially fuzzy memory in a wooden room.

"Okay...where...am I...?"

Looking more closely, the room seemed to be in disarray. He later concluded that the place was a bedroom, as he had found things like overturned beds, knocked-down dressers, and shattered lamps inside the room.

Suddenly, a door opened.

Tobby turned to look at the open doorway.

He saw a blonde-haired and blue-eyed man who looked very familiar...

"Who the fuck are you and what are you doing in my daughters' room?" the man asked with narrowed eyes and Burnie Burns's voice.

It was at that point when Tobby, with widened eyes and a dropped jaw, realized that he was facing Taiyang "ENTIRE. TEAM." Xiao Long.

And so, the young man who pretended to be a bear who pretended to be a body-jacking tardigrade then looked around and stuttered, finding scattered pieces of fabric which definitely belonged in a girl's dresser. Said pieces of fabric were also very close to him, which didn't help him in his quest to quell the Daddy Dragon's rage.

Now, as for how Tobby was dealing with this in his mind, one part of him wanted to run, while the other wanted to just stay there. The pressure from the father on the doorway made thinking harder, though, but the mistaken boy was beginning to understand the pointlessness of running. As for staying, there was the problem of explaining how he got there.

Like, really, even if Tobby did say the truth, he doubted that Mr. Xiao Long would believe him. Being mistaken for a stoned kook as well was more likely than Mr. Xiao Long believing him.

And so, it looks like Tobby had no choice but to...

"IT'S OKAY TO PUT ME INTO JAIL!"

That, and doing a dogeza.

* * *

"And that's how I got here, Sir."

"Huh...interesting...and for a sex offender - "

"Believe it or not, I'm not a sex offender, Sir."

" - you seem pretty chill. But aren't psychos like that?"

Tobby let out an exasperated sigh at the jail guard and his response.

"I have appreciation for the female form, Sir," Tobby replied, "But I have better standards than that."

"Then why are you here, brought in by an angry dad?" the guard asked back.

"I was cutting my losses," Tobby answered, all while also wondering about whether or not he used that term right. "Also, I suddenly found myself there for some reason."

"Huh...looks like you really need to stay in solitary, then."

And that strengthened Tobby's belief in the lack of faith in his story.

Also, he facepalmed upon realizing how he dug himself a deeper hole with that response.

Oh, and wait, there's something puzzling...

"I wonder, though...Why are you having a chat with me, Sir?"

Really, shouldn't a guard like him not talk so casually with people who have the reputation that Tobby currently has?

"Well, prisoners are rare here in Patch, and prisoners like you are even rarer."

Tobby didn't bother correcting him, letting him continue.

"That, and I'm bored here."

"Huh...interesting..." Tobby said, echoing the response the guard had a while ago. "So...whatcha gonna do?"

"Guard."

"Guard...? That's it?"

"Yup. You can talk with me, but I won't be letting you out or anything like that. Wouldn't want to risk you going on a perverted rampage, after all."

The mistaken boy sighed with exasperation again, and with that, he decided to just lie down on the bed in the tight solitary confinement cell.

Tobby was thankful for the bed being soft enough for him to lie on, though. That, and he saw the incarceration as an opportunity for him to get all the sleep he needs!

"Still, this sucks," the mistaken boy thought out loud.

* * *

As the chaos grew more and more out of control in the Headmaster's office, it was Moar who finally decided to inject some sense into the scenario.

"Where's Autumn?"

Slender paused. He had been giving Lazar a noogie, while the wizard had been pulling on the corpse's ulna. His orbs fixed on Moar.

"Dead," he stated simply.

Moar's expression turned dark, his arms falling to his sides and his fists tightening, threatening to break the remote as he stared disbelievingly at Slender.

"She's what?" he asked, his tone somewhere between anger and confusion.

Luijo, who was apparently Onyx now, was having an extremely profound internal line of thought as this was going on. _"Facepalm. Facepalm. Facepalm."_ Her actions soon caught up.

She, formerly he, decided to add to the discussion. "So you're telling me the sultry cliche is now at volume 3?"

Slender and Lazar broke up, getting a fair distance from each other and glaring.

Slender softened his orbs' intensity when he looked at Moar and Luijo. "Yeah, she's dead," Slender said. "Saw it on my way up here. Checked on the basement and saw the Fall having Grunt and some non-Moribus pull her plug. Pyrrha's as Fall as a trip."

The two people who didn't already know paled.

Moar closed his eyes and expelled a deep breath before opening them again.

Then smashed his fist into Slenderbrine's face.

"You idiots!" he roared. "You ignorant, brain-dead _idiots!_ "

 _Meanwhile, on the way to the office_

A ghost body phases through from the floor.

"Hey Ozpin you have a minute I need to ask you somethin- " The departed Racco saw Amber's dead body, and then everyone else in the room. "...So who's the one that done fucked up?"

* * *

"GAH!" the Norse Corpse said, grabbing his face. He didn't have nerves, but FUCK the mental impact of it hurt. "Why do you keep hitting me!? I'm not the one that did it!" Slender asked.

"Then who did it!?" Moar demanded.

Slender looked at the resident button-pusher. He spoke one word. One name.

"Grunt."

That explained more than it should, and yet no one was able to dispute it. That word would probably be used much more in the future.

* * *

Ozpin was tired of all this tomfoolery. I mean, you ask a civil question, then proceed to get ignored? Rude.

Not to mention the devastating loss of his evening brew.

He pushed a button on the side of his desk, causing chairs to come up from the floor.

"Sit. Now."

The walking corpse seemed reluctant at first, but a glimpse of the power difference managed to get him in line.

As soon as they all sat down, he made a point of ignoring them for a few seconds, as he grabbed his backup thermos from the globe.

"Now, I would like an explanation." He took a sip. "Please."

* * *

Clearly this was a job for the good Capitain. He who explains things that are completely obvious.

"Well, you see, sir-"

"-Short answer is, dimensional fuckery."

Dammit Slender. He didn't even have a problem with the guy, but seriously, he kept trying to antagonize him! What had he ever done? Well, there was the whole using bullshit physics and an alt account to defeat the TardiGod, but they were even, now, right? It was just a wall of text.

"Slender, I say this in the nicest possible way. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Now, back to what I was saying..."

"No, I believe that about covers it."

Oh come on.

"With all due respect, Headmaster, I believe the situation deserves a little more clarification before you make any-"

"You clearly come from a world in which our day to day lives are part of a somewhat popular video series."

Well, he wasn't WRONG, per se.

"And you were brought here by the mysterious forces at work behind the scenes, similar to the story of the 'Forum Guardians.'"

"Wait, you actually have a story like that? Sweet!"

Well, at least it wasn't Slender this time.

"It appears so, Legion. At least there's more to tell about future events so we can actually put this storyline on a more beneficial course-"

"No."

"What."

"I would prefer not to have any foreknowledge of events that have not as of yet occurred. I don't want this to turn into a Professor Why story, after all."

Dammit Ozpin.

"Well, I guess it's up to us then!"

"No.

Oh come on.

"But why!"

"You people have already done more than enough to change future events, anymore and we lose our only advantage."

Well, he did have a point there. He seemed to be glaring at Grunt and Alex. Idiots...

"What makes you think you could stop-"

"Do you really want to know?"

...Dammit Ozpin.

* * *

Slenderbrine's grin began to form. It wasn't much of a grin, but...actually, his jaw was rattling; the draugr equivalent of a grin.

Lazar's eyes widened. "Slender, I know we have...disagreed before," the wizard warned, "but you don't want to do this."

"Yeah..." Slender said. "No." The Norse Corpse shot to his feet and flung a lgihtning bolt at Ozpin, sending the Old Wizard into the wall behind him. "I haven't had a major fight scene in three days," Slender said excitedly, as Ozpin began to get to his feet. Power began rolling off the Headmaster in waves, to the point where even Grunt and Moar, the ordinaries of the group, could feel the raw power.

"Plus, we've never done a collaborative fight scene," he tacked on, twisting his form to dodge a green orb of light, blowing up the wall behind him.

"Damn it Slender," Lazar cursed.

"Slender, no!"

"But I wanna fight him," the draugr whined.

"I don't give a Nethermore's - Nevermore's- whichever fucking one it is - ass about what you want," Moar growled. "We're not finished here!"

He pointed his remote at Slender and pressed one of the buttons lining it, of which there seemed to be an infinite amount. With a puff of smoke, the Norse corpse suddenly found itself in a small, constricted, iron prison.

"Now," Moar began, his temper now somewhat calmed, "we are going to sit down, talk like actual, _competent_ human beings, and figure how to fix this fucking mess you moron have created."

He looked around the office, glaring at each of its occupants. "Does anyone have a problem with that?!"

Slender raised his hand.

"Yes, I actually do."

Moar turned to glare at him briefly, before scanning the room once more, waiting for someone to dare spe-

Moar whipped his head around to stare at the now-free Slender.

"Wha-how?"

Slender's ever present grin widened. "I sexually identify as a decaying Nordic magic corpse. Do you really want to know?"

"Fucking hell, alright then, _TIME STOP_!" the Hauptmann cried as Slender destroyed the barrier. The world stopped around him. "Let's see… Haste on Slender, Haste on myself, and what else?"

Slender leaned on Lazar's shoulder. "Cursed myself with time immunity. No problem," the Norse Corpse said.

"You do realize that this is about 30 seconds, right? And I literally just cast a spell on you to make you _faster_? I don't fucking have infinite spell slots, dammit!" He turned to Moar. "Hold Person!" And then to Ozpin. "Feeblemind? Damn, no - his will saves are too high."

Suddenly, the headmaster of Beacon interrupted him. "Nice try… Slender, was it?"

Slender whipped around, to see Ozpin unfrozen. "Oh," the corpse noted unnecessarily, "the time spell wore off..."

"Ozpin," Luijo Frost piped up. "Time spells. Who _really_ thought those would work on the clock motif guy?" he asked rhetorically before firing his revolver at the wizard. Every shot was casually parried by a cane.

"No, I think it just wore off," the Draugr argued. "It was only supposed to last 30 seconds, app—"

Interrupting the Norse Corpse, Ozpin flung a green orb of light at him, knocking him into the wall.

"Fuck!" Skoutati cried, unsheathing his sabre and shield.

"Ray of Enfeeblement?" the Captain casted. Ozpin dodged.

Luijo lunged at Ozpin to engage him at close quarters, sending a flurry of strikes his way. "I'm fired for this, aren't I," he stated more than asked as Skoutati joined in with an assault of sabre strikes – in vain, as they were all parried or dodged.

Poking his head out of the wall, Slender shot small hailstones at the Headmaster, careful to avoid Luijo and Skoutati. The man put up a green shield, deflecting punches and hailstones alike. He struck out at the Byzantine with his cane, dashing his shield to a hail of splinters in one blow.

"Damn your high touch AC," Captain Lazar growled as the Byzantine switched his sabre to his left hand and took out his still-bloody longsword. Ozpin faintly glared at the sight of blood on the blade as Skoutati charged back in.

Slender looked at Lazar as the genderbent servant and the Byzantine infantryman distracted Ozpin with melee. "You know," Slender suggested, "we could always try a summoning. TardiGod or Lovecraft horror, something'll work."

"I don't even know if it will work! I haven't even tried my Cleric spells yet. Besides, Chaotic Good," the Hauptmann shrugged apologetically.

Slender grabbed Lazar by the shoulders. "Lazar, for the first time in my afterlife, I'll admit it: I might've fucked up. It took a Maiden to kill Ozpin, and even then, he lived," Slender reasoned. "I might've screwed us."

"Why the hell did you even pick a Draugr? Why not something useful, like a Lich or something! Even a goddamn vanilla D&D Wizard, or a technomancer, I mean, come on!" Lazar ranted, glaring at the walking corpse.

Slenderbrine cast his arms out. "Dude!" he yelled, "I have weather manipulation, super strength, shapeshifting, the ability to swim through the ground, and the ability to curse people with an infinite number of magical and not afflictions! Not counting if I kill someone, they become a Draugr in the afterlife! It's like Zombies: Magic Edition!"

"Because _normal_ zombies weren't clichéd enough!" Skoutati yelled during a break in the melee, only to be thrown into Luijo for his inattention, both combatants going down in a heap of limbs.

" _Then we have Dra-Pin coming after our asses_!" Lazar yelled, ignoring Skoutati's snark. "Cure light wounds, cure light wounds!" He turned furiously to Slenderbrine. "Seriously! Think it through next time, man!"

Slenderbrine transformed into Skoutati Legion, using his superior armor to block Ozpin's attacks as the two melee fighters got back to their feet. "I only meant to fight him, not kill him!" he shouted, taking a powerful kick that shoved him back several feet.

"Tell him that," Luijo growled as the servant fired a chain from a wrist-mounted device, only for it to be casually deflected toward the corpse.

Slenderbrine frantically dodged backwards as the chain dashed at the air an inch to his left. "Goddammit, watch where you aim that thing!"

"I hope those sockets don't function as eyes," Lazar said with false calmness. " _Glitterdust_!" And then a fabulous, sparkling mass of glitter appeared floating in the air in a five foot radius of the headmaster's position.

Slender leveled a flat look at Lazar. "I'm dead; no nerves," he said, as if talking to a child. "I can't receive sensory input. Think about it, it's obvious. They're like decorations, sheesh."

"We don't have time for a biology lesson here, Slender!" the Byzantine heavy infantryman cried out as a wild swing from Ozpin's cane caught him in the chest, knocking him back several feet.

"Ah fuck this," Lazar said. "Mass Teleport!"

And suddenly, the room was empty except for the blinded Ozpin. And Moar, still stuck in place from the Captain's spell.

* * *

 **The best is yet to come, people. This is only the beginning. Thanks to Legionary Guard for the fight formatting, and for most of the future formatting work. We do this in a Discord chat, so things aren't exactly formatted properly, most of the time. After this, we actually start to have some semblance of plot! Fun, right? Anyways, last thing for this chapter, thanks to Slenderbrine for this wonderful summary of the story so far.**

* * *

 **People so Far**

 **A Shakespearean Sonnet**

 **by Slenderbrine**

/

So many Moribi, here from afar:

There's Slender, Norse Corpse, magical undead;

Skoutati, Legion, Byzantine high guard;

The Grunt, the minion, orders in his head;

/

Good Lazar, wizard, draugr-hating man;

There's Gauche and Pear, two sides, confusing guy;

Moar, button-pusher. Described? Not yet. Damn;

The ghost of Racco, seeking peace, oh why?;

/

And Reid, who's gone, last seen in Vale;

Piloco, Atlas-bound, not Slender-strong;

Poor Tobby, who escaped Taiyang, in jail;

These people told of here, within this song

/

Are these heroes, stopping Salem's dark schemes?

Or are the authors bored, less than it seems?


End file.
